BAU Feud
by leapoffaith-13
Summary: Their banner painted in gold read: FBI BAU LOL.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I still don't own Criminal Minds OR Family Feud. My mind talks alot and I'm sorry Erica Messer, Mark Gordon and whoever owns them, but I'm just borrowing them.**

 **A/N: I hope you find this little mini game show as cute as I did. Dedicated to the lovely JayJRat.**

 **A/N: Cross posted on AO3.**

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Nearly 500 people, from civilians to the upper echelon of the United States Congress, shelled out $50 a ticket to get a chance to see the five of the Federal Bureau of Investigation's Behavioral Analysis Unit take on five of the President's Secret Service detail in a charity game of "Family Feud," as they raised funds for the Halo Trust Humanitarium.

The dress for the evening was black tie, for after the game, cocktails and schmoozing commenced downstairs in the drab yellow walled and old tiled floored cafeteria of Friendship Collegiate Academy PCS off the Anacostia Freeway in Washington, D.C.

As the lights dimmed, those in the lobby of the school headed to their assigned seats; the doors were shut and whimsical music filled the speakers of the school auditorium. A quiet murmur went through the halls.

A female voice came over the intercom in between the music. "Thank you very much for coming to the Halo Trust Humanitarium charity game of Family Feud. This is going to be an amazing night for everyone as we see the best and brightest the FBI has to offer go up against the President's roughest and toughest. And we would like you to give a round of applause for the President of the United States and his family." The audience cheered as the President, his wife and son stood up and acknowledged the room. "We would also like you to acknowledge the director the Federal Bureau of Investigation and his family," the girl said after the room had died down, just in time for another round of cheering to commence as the Director, his wife and their three sons stood and waved. "And now, let me introduce to you the host of this evening, the Vice President of the United States, Andrew Stone!"

Music swelled and an older man, dressed in morning dress and tails, top hat and cane, came out on stage waving as he greeted those in the first few rows. He called up the President and the Director to the stage, made them shake hands and had the President call a coin toss. When the President lost, the Director had the President's men come out first.

The music of the jazz band at the high school played 'Colonel Boogey March' and the five guys, dressed in matching black suits, white button down shirts and matching red, white and blue ties, with black sunglasses on their heads came out of the left side of the stage. They shook hands with the President, Director and the Vice President as the audience clapped, before taking their assigned spots at the makeshift table and microphones. Above their head a student-painted banner in red, white and blue, said All the Presidents Men.

As the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the Federal Bureau of Investigation's Alpha team made their way on stage, the music of the band changed to a slow march called 'Les Huguenots.' A man dressed in a black blazer, jeans, black shirt and shoes, lead the team of profilers to shake the hands of the Director, President and Vice President. Matching the team before them, the ragtag group made their way over the right side of the Vice President taking their assigned sports. Their banner painted in gold read: FBI BAU LOL.

"Thanks for coming everyone; I hope you enjoy your evening as much as I know we will. I'm Vice President Andrew Stone. Let's get this show on the road." Pointing at the men in black, he demanded, "give me Steve;" the Vice President pointed at the first guy on the BAU side, "give me David. Let's go!"

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 **A/N: The highschool is a real high school in Washington, D.C. I also kept it kinda cheap for this because I know that this is something I'd want to see even though I don't know if I would shell out hundreds of dollars for it. So, because I'm the writer, I get to say how much this costs. Also, the Halo Trust is a real trust that I fully support.**


	2. Round One

**A/N: I still don't own Criminal Minds OR Family Feud. Dance, characters, dance.**

 **A/N: I hope you find this little mini game show as cute as I did.**

 **A/N: Any mistakes are my own. It's what happens when insomnia hits between the wee hours of 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. On the game show and off with the author's head. I get it.**

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Andrew stood behind the podium in the center as two children: Cassidy and Rose, came out from the sides to the board in the middle. They were the revealers of the correct answers. And they wrote the team's scores on the big chalkboard on the side of the stage for all to see. A buzzer went off when Dave, directed by Andrew, hit his buzzer first. A ping went off when Steve did the same.

"Okay, top five answers men, give me word or phrase with finger in it." The buzzer went off signaling Dave first. "Dave."

"Finger licking good," Dave gave a thumbs up when his answer was on the board in the top spot. "We're going to play." He turned back to the Vice President after looking at his team who encouraged his answer.

"Aaron, how are you this evening?" Aaron, dressed in a typical suit, white button down and tie with the FBI logo on it, groaned. "And what is your position in this gang?"

"I'm the SAC, Unit Chief. They report to me." The Vice President giggled and asked about paperwork. "Yep, paperwork is my middle name." The normally stoic Hotchner laughed alongside the audience. When asked for his answer he gave "fingernail." Boos rang out when the word didn't appear on the board.

"Well, Penelope-"

"No, call me Garcia," the blonde, buxom beauty, clad in a blue and red checkered short jumpsuit, purple bolero and silver pumps corrected him.

"Garcia," he cleared his throat, "hello. How are you?"

"Fine!" She exclaimed.

"What do you do? You're not a S.S.A. are you?" The Vice President looked at his cards.

"Correct!" She pointed out. "I am technical analyst. You need records found, you need notifications looked at, I am your girl. You need something coded or a phone fixed, bring it on." The bubbly woman got many laughs as she was incredibly animated.

"Name a word with finger in it."

"Chicken fingers!" She yelped and then cheered when hers was on the board. She got a hug from the man next to her.

"Good one mama," he said returning to his place in line. After saying his hellos and explaining their friendly relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend, he was asked what he did. "I chase down doors, catch bad guys and play doting love to my babygirl here." The audience giggled and Erin Strauss, seated next to the Director of the FBI, visibly exasperated rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Okay baby daddy-?" The Vice President questioned before he was cut off by Derek, who wore a hunter green Henley shirt and black cargo pants, with his black and silver studded belt and finished the look with his black Vans sneakers.

"Morgan. Derek Morgan. These guys-" he made a gesture and pulled down the black shades on the top of his head to his eyes, "call me Morgan."

"Okay, Morgan," the Vice President sighed, "give me a word or phrase with the word finger in it."

"Finger painting!" The crowd again booed when the word was not on the board. This time a late 'ding' came over the PA system and everyone on stage and off, laughed.

"Okay, Men, get ready, they have two strikes." JJ, dressed in black Jimmy Choo heels, black and tan pants and Will's denim button down shirt, was next. The Vice President, having recognized her from her time at the Department of Defense kissed her on her cheek. "Jennifer!"

"Hello Mister Vice President." JJ replied stiffing up, putting on a fake smile.

"A word or phrase with finger in it?"

"Let's go with butterfinger!" A chorus of 'good answer's, 'yeah,' 'way to go' and 'nice one' was given to Jen. Dave came behind the team and high fived Jen when her answer was on the board, saving them from round one demise.

Back at the number one spot, Dave gave his answer of 'goldfinger," which was once again on the board. Moving to Aaron, he gave answer of 'Ladyfinger," which completed the round.

"One hundred points for the BAU team with the five correct answers. And we're going to take a ten minute pee break." The vice president announced as the gold curtain slowly came across the stage. Rossi and some of the service men stayed behind and did the routine 'hello, how are you' catch up game. Rossi knew the third man, a taller man, from the military.

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 **A/N: Okay, so, Garcia's lovely wardrobe is from Kristen Vangsness's outfit to the Angel Project's Angel Awards. And JJ's outfit is from the Topshop/Topman's LA Opening Party. But keep in mind that even though JJ is wearing a shirt similar to a denim shirt, as the author, I'm making her wear Will's in this story. So, neener neener neener.**


	3. Round Two

**A/N: I still don't own Criminal Minds OR Family Feud. And I'm still mad about it. I wish I owned them. But because this is somewhat cannon, somewhat not... Strauss is alive. Because I love her more than life itself. Sorry if you don't.**

 **A/N: Again, any mistakes are my own. It's what happens when insomnia hits between the wee hours of 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. Okay, you hate commercials too? Good. Let's get on with the show.**

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During the break a 50/50 raffle was held with a member of the Joint Terrorism Task Force winning the first prize. The lights dimmed again and people scurried to take their places. As the curtain opened again, the two teams were more settled into the game and those in the audience were having just as much fun as they were on stage.

"FBU BAU LOL is in the lead with a grand total of 100 points. At the end of the three games, whoever has the most points will be going to the fast money final round. Let's find out more about the charity this evening."

A child, no more than 14, with a British accent came out and read a piece what the Halo Trust actually does and how it helps people in poor countries with old land mines still in their Earth, rid the countries of the land mines. The child, mentioned names such as Princess Diana, Prince Harry and talked about their work with the trust. He finished it off by saying that there are 58 countries and four territories that have land mines still around but they hope, with the help of donations and volunteers to eradicate the world of land minds by 2030. The audience cheered for the child as he bowed and left the stage.

"Give me Carmichael, give me Aaron," the Vice President said, repeating his finger pointing motion to summon the two. "Top four answers, men, who do you, do when you run into someone but forget their name?" A minute went by and a ping shot through the auditorium. "Carmichel."

"Hey, you!" The sandy haired agent announced only flipping up his shades to see that his answer was number one. "Play!" The agent exclaimed as he heard the shouts behind him of his team.

'Alrighty Carmichael gave us one good answer, Andrew, nice name. It's your turn. But first, Andrew, let's get a rundown of Andrew. I'm sure it's impressive if not more than this Andrew." He pointed to himself before straightening his suit jacket.

The bald, tall man, spoke in a British accent. "Twelve years in the British Army, two tours in the Falkland Islands, came to America with my wife, Jay. And now here I am." He did a head bop and the crowed snickered.

"Great. So, you don't remember a fellow service men, what do you do, Andrew?"

"I act like I know them, of course." The tall Andrew smiled his fellow agents patted him on the back and gave their encouragement.

"Well they don't know you either," the crowed auditorium roared at the joke before the ding went off signaling there was no a correct answer. "Greg, you've got a good one?"

"Yeah," he slid into his partner, Andrew, "I act like I don't know them." He stressed the word 'don't' and the crowed giggled. The buzzer went off and the crowd jeered.

"Okay, you've got two strikes and you can see the BAU huddling picking out their answer. Wyatt," the Vice President got the attention of the rookie of the team who was fidgeting on stage. "Wyatt, what is your answer."

"Walk the other way!"

"Good answer," the Vice President said when it was up on the board. Wyatt received a pat on the back and an audible 'thank you' from Greg. "Okay, Steve you're up. What do you do when you don't know someone?"

"Apologize?" Steve's voice went up a few notches as the answer turned into a question."

"Two strikes. Do we make it three?" The buzzer went off and the Vice President slowly jogged to the BAU side of the stage. "You can take the 100 points and clear game win if you get this correct. David, what do you when you run into someone but can't remember their name?"

David cleared his throat before saying, "introduce yourself."

"It's what I do, and I do it a lot. Introduce yourself." The Vice President made a motion before the buzzer went off and the crowd groaned. "Okay, ladies, what are the answers?"

"Ask them to remind you," Rose said from her side of the stage. The crowd, like in the real game show, repeated the answer, albeit staggered but they did it.

"Have a friend introduce you." Cassidy said from the side she was on. And again the crowd mimicked her answer.

"Okay, tie game. Winner of the next round goes to fast money. And gets federal bragging rights!" The Vice President smiled at the audience as the curtain closed again.

The secret service agents went to their wing of the stage and planned a game of attack. The BAU went to their side also planning on what they are going to do. The BAU also chose their two players to go to the fast money round, should they do it. Before long, Erin Strauss and the Director were in the back with them, congratulating them and wishing them well on the rest of the game. Spencer Reid and Will LaMontagne Jr. who were on babysitting duty, brought Henry and Michael (JJ and Will's children) as well as, Jack Hotchner to the back and wish their team good luck.

"Daddy!" Jack said hugging this father. "I made you this." Spencer help Jack unravel the cardboard poster that said 'Go Daddy Go.' "Beth said she was sad she couldn't be here to see you laugh but she told me my sign was impressive." Hotch hugged his son and thanked him, before kissing the top of his sandy blonde hair.

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 **A/N: Support the Halo Trust. Everything used in the little boy's speech is absolutely true. I love the Halo Trust and support the mission 110%. Wikipedia it or google it, you won't be sorry.**


	4. Round Three

**A/N: See chapters 1 through 3 for the "I don't own this" disclaimer.**

 **A/N: Mistakes are mine and mine alone. I clearly don't know how to spell "president." Sorry, it's 5 a.m.**

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The Vice President came over and shushed everyone back out so they could start round three.

"Welcome back to Federal Family Feud," the Vice President laughed, "sounds like something we'd sign Congress up for." Everyone laughed at his joke. "Okay, we have the top four answers on the board. Let's go Garcia, Andrew." Music played as the flamboyant woman and unflappable man made their way to the middle. "What does a woman wear when she's hunting for a man?"

Garcia yelped and quickly pushed the buzzer. Derek had to stifle a laugh. "A teddy."

"A teddy, like bear?" The Vice President asked as everyone expressed amusement at his joke.

"No, teddy, like pajama teddy." Garcia corrected him.

"Pass or play, BAU? For all the marbles."

"Play play play!" Garcia jumped up and down and pumped her fists in the air before going back to her spot. "Behave Dave," she whispered in the older man's ear as she flitted past him. Pinching Derek's butt cheek, she stood back in her spot.

The Vice President cocked his head and pretended he didn't see the gesture as he walked straight to Derek. "So, Derek, here we go Baby Daddy, what did your woman wear when she was hunting you?" David Rossi couldn't help but chortle at the question, as everyone at the BAU knew their relationship happened on its own. They were best friends and that matured into love.

"Penelope didn't, but I'm going to say perfume."

"Perfume. What's your favorite, Miss Garcia?" The Vice President asked before asking if it was on the board.

"Clinique's Happy." She responded.

"Okay, we'll let's see if this will make your man happy. Is perfume on the board?" The Vice President asked and as Rose turned it over, Penelope kissed Derek. He quickly moved over to the blonde watching her coworkers. "Jennifer, what did you wear for your husband when you were hunting him?"

"I didn't, so I don't know, but I'm going to say her thinking cap!" Jen put her hands in her head at the audible show of displeasure of her answer from the crowd.

"Her brains." The buzzer came over the speakers and it was Dave's turn. Penelope pointed her finger at him to remind him to be cautious.

"With three marriages under me, I'm used to this. I'm going to say a new hairdo." Dave looked proudly at the board and couldn't help but smile and give a thumbs up when it was on there. "Good luck, Aaron."

Hotchner caught the dig and thought long about his answer. Unfortunately, the three second rule made the buzzer go off and his team patted him anyway. They knew Hotchner wasn't good in the love department and that he and Jack's mom, Haley, had been high school sweethearts.

"One answer left on the board, two strikes, Garcia, we're back to you. What is another thing you'd wear when hunting for a man?"

"I'm going to say," she paused.

"Three seconds." The Vice President reminded her, subtly telling her that Aaron got a strike the last time.

"Wearing something red or pink?" Garcia looked at her own outfit and smiled.

"I've heard that before," Morgan announced and the Vice President agreed with him. The crowd grumbled as the vibrant woman's answer wasn't on the board.

The Vice President walked over the left side of the stage for their answer. "For the President's Men win , is a beautiful smile there?" The buzzer went off and both stagehands announced the final answer was "nothing."

"Alrighty, BAU wins. We're going to need two people from your team to come up and play fast money." Derek and Penelope came to the center stage. It was decided that Penelope would go first. Rose and Cassidy took Derek down to the green room so he couldn't hear what was going on.


	5. Final Answer?

**A/N: Nope, still don't own the characters of Criminal Minds, Family Feud OR the school itself. Phooey.**

 **A/N: Let you're mind wander as to who the President is and who the Director is. You're allowed to figure it out yourself. If you want to be the President and watch your team, them, put yourself there. Let me know how that works out, for real!**

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"So, while we wait for the signal from Rose and Cassidy, you're dating your own colleague?" The Vice President inquired.

"Yeah, I know him. I love him. It's hard when they work strange hours, strange days and shifts. Mad men don't go mad just during the day. And then we have the time changes. He's been my best friend since I was hired, just over seven years ago." The audience oohed and ahhed. Penelope got a thumbs up from Erin Strauss, who was sitting in the front row, holding the Directors hand. Strauss was just happy her team showed up the President's team.

"How long have you two been together?" The host asked.

"Best friends for seven, together for two. It kinda just happened one night after a bad case." She giggled and was cut off by Rose coming to the top of the stage. Cassidy was in the down the stage stairs.

"It's time for-" the Vice President signaled the audience to chime in.

"Fast Money!"

"Twenty seconds on the clock, clock will start after I give the first clue. Ready?" Penelope put her arm around the Vice President and nodded. "What is the first part of your body that you soap up in the shower?"

"Arms."

"Specific occupation that starts with the letter p?"

"Physician.

"How many drinks can a woman handle before she gets drunk?"

"I can handle three."

"What is something men hate about dating?"

"Paying."

"What is something a guy would get nervous before?"

"Homecoming?"

"Good answers!" They went over the answers; the Vice President asked, the female announcer from the beginning of the show read off the points and Rose took her place at the BAU chalkboard keeping track of the points. Penelope had 110 points of a possible 200. "Cassidy, go get Derek." While they waited for Derek to be brought back to the stage, the Vice President explained that the amount of points they raised would be the amount of dollars going to the Halo Trust Humanitarium. Rose had also flipped the chalkboard so Derek didn't see the point totals, which nerved him."Derek."

"Yeah," He turned to blow a kiss to Penelope. She nodded and blew one back.

"Derek, Garcia got the Halo Trust Humanitarium $110,000. 90 points more would guarantee them the $250,000 donation. Can you handle it? If you hear the buzzer, you know you've duplicated an answer and we'll ask you to reanswer." He nodded and stood at attention next to the Vice President. "Because it's so hard, we're going to give you 25 seconds on the clock which begin after I ask the first question."

"Name the first part of your body that you soap up in the shower?"

"Chest."

"Name a specific occupation that starts with the letter p."

"Painter?"

"How many drinks can your girlfriend drink before she gets drunk?"

"Three." The buzzer indicating the answer was duplicated went off. "Four.

"Name something you hate about dating?"

"Being the one to start a conversation."

"Lastly, what is the one thing men get nervous before doing?"

"Proposing." The clock rang and everyone let out a breath they didn't know they were holding. Just like the round with Garcia, the Vice President and the female announced went over the question and answers. 90 points was hit before the final question. The crowd clapped at the win of the BAU.

"Just a quick question before we all disperse downstairs, Derek, have you ever proposed to anyone?" The young man shook his head. "How do you know men get nervous about doing it?" The audience chuckled. Derek looked over at his team, then looked to Erin Stauss before answer the question.

"Because I'm so nervous now." Penelope turned around on her heel from talking with one of the men of the President's team. She walked over to Derek looking at him. "There's something I really want you to know, Garcia." She kept her eyes on him as he paused.

"Derek." Her whisper was caught over the microphones.

"Just listen to me."

"Morgan, please." The air in the auditorium went heavy. Everyone stopped what they were doing, whether it was getting their shawls and wraps back on their body, picking up their purses or chit-chatting with seat neighbors to look at the scene on the stage in the front of them.

"I'll tell you what you are to me. You're my God given solace. Woman, you promise me one thing. Whatever happens, don't ever stop talking to me." He got down on one knee as Jack Hotchner brought him up the light blue box with white wrap. "Marry me, Pen. Make me the happiest man alive." She took the box from him with shaking hands, opening the box, it produced a an open curved diamond band delicately accentuates a Lucida® solitaire. A tear streamed down her face as she nodded yes giving the ring back to him.

"Do it right, Derek Morgan." Everyone laughed as he nervously took the ring out of the box, dropped the box and slid the ring on in its rightful place, her left ring finger. "I love you, Derek Morgan."

And with a small kiss, her arms wrapped around him. "I love you, Penelope Garcia."

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 **A/N: Thanks for the idea Jayjrat. I hope I did you proud!**


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